I want to be myself. To show that I have pain. To show that right now I am not strong. To show I’m wounded. Lost. I need you.
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I’ve practically lost my mind, haven’t i? Have I become more of the person I said I’d never be. Most of you know the feeling of chasing after a love you may never attain. But how far do we go? The ones who really love us… Do they ask us to fight for them? Or do they make every moment with you count. But nothing is perfect, is it? These matters of course concern me. For the first time I begged… I begged a man to stay. And I have to tell you, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so low. What has got me beyond distressed is hearing words I never thought I’d hear from you, I’m unsure about you… I could never marry you, I just don’t care anymore. These phrases plague my mind. I once dreamed of a beautiful wedding, a family, happiness. Now I can’t even think of what to look forward to in life anymore. I’m sure this sounds like teenage drama. But I’m hurting. How do you pull through? How can he see me for what I see in him? How can I get him to show me patience and understanding and not leave me when things get rough. I can’t even speak with family and friends about what I feel, because I don’t want anyone to get a bad impression of him. When I first met him, he showed me kindness, he exhibited strength- both physically and mentally. He gave me a reason to believe that I should be treated like the amazing woman I am. And only one person could compliment that side of me… Him, with his compassion, and sense of morality. I know not everyone is perfect, but I can’t help feeling like I just don’t compare. Like I’m just not good enough. I just want to feel loved again and valued. I just want to feel like I have some meaning in his life. For now. Wishful thinking.
She left without a note. It troubled my mind more than it ever did. It sounds cliche to say, that I still smell the scent of jasmine on the linens and the sound of her high heels in the kitchen –much like the last times she swore she had enough. She packed her toothbrush she left in the medicine cabinet to the right of the aspirin. And took her white hairbrush she leaves unreservedly on the nightstand, in which she brushes three times through the tangles in her hair, wraps in a messy bun only to wake in the morning with knots in her hair. She left with her jacket. Her undying obsession with lord and Taylor gets the best of my paycheck. The closet in disarray. Hangers on the floor. Much like my pride. But something is different on this occasion. But I am unable to decipher. I make my way to the foyer. And there goes all hope. Not only did she leave without a note, with her toothbrush and clothes. She left this time without a key….. –she left this time.
merely a fish in a sea of lies, but when I had found the courage to seek truth through you, You had left me bare, without secrets and stripped of any chance I had to come out alive. you dug the hook deep within my mouth and pulled out my heart. Although to you, i was a fish and to others I was as rare as the mermaids themselves. i have no choice but to turn my back. you had the ill-est of intentions. and there i stood blank stare, emotionless just as the fisherman before.